Attack of the Mush: Lucky

It’s no mystery that some people wait a lifetime to find that one person that could be potentially be their destruction or if they’re lucky, someone who can be the one person to make them truly happy. It’s because of this that one’s heart remain resilient. In the billions that live on the planet, how can it not be possible to find the one for you? That person maybe sitting in front of you but didn’t notice because you were taking a sip on your coffee. Or you may have bumped shoulders in a club or party but was too busy talking to a friend you missed your chance to say “hi.” There are some still hoping, others --- the lucky ones who have met them, and still others who have given up. Some who have lost them to death and others who simply let them go. But the saddest part of love --- loving someone who doesn’t know you even exist or worse, doesn’t love you back. And yet in these countless moments when the opportunity of love passed you by, and whether you took your chance or not, it is that hope that keeps you fighting, keeps you longing, keeps you sane.

I am a bohemian. I believe that love is the one, if not the only thing you need to make you feel alive. But it the times I’ve tried to search for it, it has eluded me. On the days I’ve waited, it came only for a fleeting moment. Yes, I have experienced love. And it is that taste for it that makes me long for more.

Last Saturday I witnessed the union of two adored friends. Two friends who shared something magical, two people who have shared their love against all odds. I have seen how it can transform worlds. I have seen how two people can have a happy ever after. And I want it. I want it more than ever. And then there is another couple I’ve seen fight so hard to keep their relationship afloat. I’ve seen them break each other’s hearts only to keep coming back to one another. Perhaps it’s stupidity on their part or perhaps, giving up doesn’t seem like an option for them at the moment. Or even that they want forever to happen to them too. And I have this other friend who waited and passed years not knowing if love can find him only to meet a certain someone he met years ago and find love for one another. Who ever said love was easy has not experienced losing it.

They say love is overrated and maybe it is but that doesn’t make it less important. But whomever that person is I hope I’ve waited, longed and prayed long enough for that person to transform my world too. I want to wake up next to someone I dreamed about the night before. I want to spend the day with someone like there’s no tomorrow left for us. I want to… just find…

You.

Whoever “you” may be.

It’s no mystery I’m idealistic or that I am a hopeless romantic. But now, I simply want to be lucky too.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Pretentions

For almost two and a half months, I pretended. I pretended that I was ok. I lied my ass off trying to believe that the I was over you. I wanted the lie to become an eventual reality. But tonight, when I saw the pics of him with your family, with your mom and daughter, I nearly cried. My heart sank and I realized I wasn't over you. How could I when every fiber in my being still longs to be loved. Not specifically by you, but by someone. I wanted something similar to what we had. The seemingly near perfect relationship that I've always wanted.

I remain steadfast on the hope that I can find whoever it is, is worth the wait. But I grow tired too.

I always believed that I'm a great guy. But I'm not. I break hearts too. And my still semi-broken heart still needs mending. But who'd be willing?

Every so often we stumble upon a chance, an opportunity too feel great... to feel happy. Yes, happiness is a choice but to get there is hard work. I simply want to love another and be loved in return. I am the true bohemian lover. I feel my best when I love. I wish it were that simple to find him. If only...

But it isn't.

It never was. Never will be.

So dear God if you're listening, if you still care for me even one tiny bit, please, please, please let him find me. And I promise, I will do better this time.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Amma Comin' Home

3 years ago I decided to move out of my parents house. Not because I had problems living there and not because I didn’t want to live with parents anymore but because, I felt the need. I needed to prove to myself that I could live on my own. I needed to understand firsthand how difficult and fulfilling it was going to be.

And now that I understood, I’m moving back home.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I was always asked by Mom to come back every chance she got. On every family gathering, lunch out, even on SMS but I always declined the offer. But in two weeks, I’ll be starting the laborious process of packing, transferring my stuff and settling back home. I feel jittery just by thinking about it. After being gone for so long, I’m actually scared to get my old life back. Back to quarreling with my siblings on a semi-weekly basis, back to the adjustment of going home early and abiding by the house rules and back to the reality that I have to spend as much as time as I have left with my aging parents. It was fun during the 3 years I was by myself. And by fun I mean difficult-scary-financially-taxing-exhausting-long-nights. And during those 3 years, I have learned so much more than I could have imagined. I’ve learned to be more responsible, less stressful and to basically take care of myself better.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to go back home…


Especially since I might get a car instead.

Mobility over independence.

Practicality over luxury.

Me over family.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Reslilience

A friend asked me, “After 3 years of waiting and then getting your heart broken, how close are you on being jaded?” I simply replied, “I am and forever will be a hopeless-romantic.” I don’t know why I replied with such pessimism but I knew it was the truth. I just need time to heal but I know in time I will be able to bounce back better than before.

***

I recently confirmed my long standing suspicion that ze ex has been seeing someone else right after we broke up. Actually, a few days after we parted ways, he has been meeting up with an old “friend.” He had always denied that there was anything going on between them but yesterday everything was clarified. He is now in a relationship with this guy. More than anything else, the seeming betrayal was the most painful. Yes, I do still feel something for him or at least I did. Now, it’s pure hate and disgust on the stupidity that I allowed myself to be the victim of a love that started with nothing but lies. He always lied to me, even then. He was a master of this art. And I, intelligent guy that I am, was played. Goes to prove that the smarter you are, the more stupid you become when you fall in love. I shall not go into the details since I am still trying my able best to actually be the nice person here. I could have done so many things to hurt him back but thankfully, I was brought up by my parents to be kind and understanding even if it’s hard to. I just figured that if I did plot my revenge a lot of people will be affected by it and I cannot bare that on my conscience. And so, I am doing the next best thing… to let go and detach myself from him. Difficult, yes but if I don’t I’ll never be able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that not all men are bastards. Some of them are just born cruel.

I shall keep waiting, dreaming, hoping and dreaming that someone out there is the right person for me. Someone I can share whatever life I have with. Someone out there who will try and avoid breaking my heart into a million pieces and then breaking them again into little more manageable pieces. I was perfectly content 3 years ago before he came and now I am in the slow agonizing process of healing once again. Still, I know I can do this. The heart, after all, is resilient.

And just to prove how resilient it is, I’m up for coffee, a nice dinner and a movie for anyone willing to have a good time with a person desperately trying to move on. Or we can go straight to bed, that might be a good way to speed things up. (Kidding!)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Craziness

While I was browsing the ever-so-time-consuming Facebook, I saw my ex (the first one) with his current and I must zay they are looking so cute. Holding hands while posing for a photo. Damn! I hate happy relationships!



I know! I know! It sounds bitter but just like my newest ink reminds me (that) “Amantes sunt Amentes” which is Latin for Lovers are Lunatics! And so indeed we are! And last night was a true testament on how crazy I am.



It was late, maybe around 11ish when I decided to turn-in and focus on Michael Scott’s 3rd installment of the Nicholas Flamel series --- The Sorceress, which Vicky and I are absolutely addicted to. We are in fact planning to by the last installment of the book later. And while I was engrossed reading what will happen to Perenelle and the twins of the legend, my mobile rang. And yes, it was ze ex. It took me a few seconds to contemplate whether or not I’ll pick up but alas, this story would have no sense if I didn’t. Knees shaking, arms trembling, I tried and kept my voice as nonchalant as possible. He said he was at my condo and asked if he could come up my unit to visit. Trying to still keep any emotion away from my voice, I said, “Yes!” Now before you get your panties in a wad, nothing remotely sexual happened. We talked. Ok, maybe hugged for a few seconds. Alright, minutes! But that was just it. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. And to be honest, I missed him too.



He was in and out of my place in less than 10mins. Any minute longer and it would have spelled trouble for both of us. I keep asking why had to come. I keep asking what it is that he wants from me and all he could say was that he wanted to be friends. It was then I realized I wanted what we had before or none at all. It was then I made a conscious effort to stop loving him. I could not be his friend, not now at least. So it’s either we get back together or have nothing to do with each other at all. After he left, I kept thinking what was different and then it dawned upon me… he’s too much of a coward to even take the risk of getting back together. It also came as a surprise that after waiting for so long to see him, when I finally did… I felt nothing. I felt no anger, no pity, no warmth, and no happiness. Nothing.



I realized that waiting is the most important thing that you can do for love… but it proved to me one thing…



As it goes it can also…



Change your mind!

Love letters and idealism by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Healing

Almost a month after, I’m still incapacitated. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from all the things that had happened to me in the past couple of months it is that NO ONE is ready for heartache.

For almost 3 years, I’ve prayed, wished, and hope of finding my one true love. And now, I begin to question if it does even exist. Are the stories for happy-ever-after only experienced by the lucky few --- the VERY lucky few? Am I never going to be one of them? Yes, you might say that it’s very early for me to give up on love. But what if, love has given up on you? Is it even worth waiting for? Is the pain of heartache worth the happiness and joy of finding love? I really don’t know.

To be quite honest, I am still very much in love with ze ex. But right now, there is very little, if not none at all, chance for us to get back together. And so, today when I woke up I decided to let go. He has found another and I… I will be slowly picking up the pieces of my broken self. I cannot promise not to love again --- for I am only human after all, but I can promise not to fall too fast, too soon. I’m sure you know how difficult that is but if I don’t start now, I might lose myself.

Though I am still hurting, I am in the process of healing. And that’s always a good thing. Rising up from each fall is, after all, a choice. And today, I choose to stand up and fight, with or without another to help me. Today, I will love you a little less and want myself a little more. Today, I will long for you a little less and think of myself a little more. I will carry your memories but only to serve as lessons for the mistake of loving you too much.

I loved and lost. There’s really all there is to it.

My forever wasn’t with you. But for whomever it is with, I do hope you’re worth the wait.




Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Until the Last Shoe Drops

I sat there listening intently to every sound. Half-awake I tried and make sense of what you were saying. It was only a few hours ago when you were hugging me and kissing me, tearfully saying that you love me. It was only a few hours ago that leaving was not an option. It was past one o’clock when you decided to let me go. It was then, my heart stopped beating. It was then I knew I had to go.

Everything was perfect before that night. I was right where I belong. Until I knew the truth, the truth that you can’t fight for me. It wasn’t an option. Your love, OUR love couldn’t conquer it all. But you were what I hoped for. It was you that I loved. It was you that made me happy. I asked for you --- wished, hoped and prayed for you. I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken so early. I was still content loving you. But it had to end.

I remember hearing the words.
I remember wiping the tears.
I remember feeling the pain.
I remember wanting my heart to stop beating.

I remember but wanted to forget.

So let me say my goodbye if only to force my world to start turning once again. Let me NOT ask, hope, wish and pray for you to return. I don’t want empty dreams --- like promises written on the sand. I can’t wait forever --- since it may never come. Don’t say you miss me and do nothing. Don’t say you’re lonely when you’re surrounded by people you can’t let go. Don’t say when you’re ready to come back, you will because we both know you can’t. Don’t love me anymore because it will never be enough. I will never be enough.

Let me pretend to be strong now. Let me at least try...

For now.

Love Letters and Idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Very Happy

For nearly 3 years, I’ve searched, waited and longed for that one person to come and alas, my long wait has come to an end. He came in the most unexpected time, in an island where booze, intoxicating fun and wonderful companions can seemingly bring you to another world. It was then; I knew I would be happy for a very, very long time.

“Saan tayo mga becky?”

“Doon na lang sa Mikko’s Bar,” I said.

“Chaka, sa ibang lugar naman tayo. Gusto ko magvideoke!”

“Ayyyyy! Game!”

It was our last night in Puerto Galera. Earlier that day some of us decided to postpone going back to Manila for one more night. And so, I came up with an excuse to my boss and stayed one more night. Little did I think that that was the best decision I was ever going to make.

After spending most of the day under the sun, playing beach volleyball, drooling at hunks, and lying at the beach working on our tan while reading, we all decided to grab dinner and head down to the bars for more hunk-drooling. Most of us still had a hangover from the night before but that never stopped us from getting drunk again that night especially since it will be our last night in the island. There was unanimous decision to get wasted and sing our lungs out at the local videoke joint somewhere. But after walking back and forth our dreams soon faded and we settled at the same bar we hung out the night before. And there I saw him; in a floral polo (yes, floral – we were in an island after all) buttons opened all the way holding a glass of the infamous Mindoro Sling seemingly dancing the night away with friends. (I later on found out that he was with relatives.)

“Mga bakla! May gustong makipagkilala sa iyo.”

“Sino?”

“Yung guy na labas ang dibdib don sa kabilang table.”

“GO!”

When we first passed the area, he already caught my eye. And as chance would have it he seemed attracted to me too. FATE? DESTINTY?

I wasn’t quite certain that I had the guts to approach a stranger in a bar. I always had this rule that men I meet at Galera will be left in Galera. I’ve had too many horror stories from friends about hooking up with guys in the island and I didn’t want that to happen to me. But he was quite the persistent lad. I was watching some fire-dancers when he sat beside me and did small talk. Of course, my insides were already shrieking like a little girl. A few more drinks, more talk, a little dancing and as the night grew darker I got hooked.

It was there bathed under the moonlight, amidst puddles of people around, drinks on hand, sands on our feet and distant techno-music in the background, I kissed this stranger in White Beach.

And I was happy. Very happy.



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Fumi-FLING lang!

Hindi ko naman sinasabing napaka bihasa ko pagdating sa pinilakang-tabing, ngunit sa dami na din ng pinapanood kong pelikula --- mapa-banyaga or lokal, masasabi ko din naman na may alam ko sa kagandahan (o kapangitan) ng isang pelikulang aking pinapanood.

Tandaan na aking babanggitin sa blog na ito at tanging opinion ko lang lamang at wala akong minamasamang tao, pagkakataon o pangyayari sa pagsulat ng “blog” na ito.

Kamakailan at naimbitihan akong manood ng isang indie film sa Megamall. Ang manunulat kasi ay kaibigan ni ‘Hal at di dito na nagsimula ang humigit kumulang na dalawang oras na pangkukutya, panlalait, at pagtawa sa pelikulang pinamagatang “FLING.” Dagdagan pa natin ng mga taong parang ngayon lang naka pasok sa sinehan at namistulang sala nila ang sinehan sa Megamall. Tama daw bang mahiyawan, palakpakan at magwala sa ibang eksena. Ang tanong ko ay saan? Ano? At BAKEEEET?

Pasing-tabi muli sa mga taong pinagaksayahan ng panahon ang pelikulang ito pero magbibigay lang ako ng nararapat na opinion sa mga bagay-bagay ukol dito.

Kung tutuusin maganda sana ang pagkakasulat ng pelikula – makabago at maganda ang mga “one-liner” na hirit ng mga karakter. Sa katunayan ito ay hango sa isang nalathalang storya ng manunulat. Kaso sablay ang mga artista, di kagandahan ang direction, at panget ang cinematograpiya. Hindi ko lubos maisip ang mga zoom-in sa mga mata, pag-highlight ng naliligong artista at ang “washed-out” flashback chuchu. May isa tuloy eksenang nagmukhang niletchon na baka sa Lance Raymundo sa pagka-high contrast ng dating. Nakakaloka! At ang mga outfit ‘teh, bumu-boots lang! Boots kung boots at pechay shorts! HAHAHA!

ANG MGA KARAKTER

Ang “Fling” ay pinagbidahan ni Lara Morena, Rafael Rosel at isang Jacq Yu something ata yun. Di ko na matandaan. Magaling sana yung Jacq, natural umarte pero mahina pa sa timing. May mga nahuhuling pagkakataon na tumitingin sa kamera. At ang mga damit… ang mga damit ‘teh! Hindi ko alam kung galing sa Korea or Japan ang stylist ng pelikulang ito pero ang magagandang damit lang sa palabas na ito ay yung asa Boracay sila na halos hubo’t hubad na ang mga artista. Maganda ang katawan ni Rafael Rosel. Yun lang ang masasabi ko! Maganda ang katawan nya! Hayaan na lang natin na mag-modelo siya at yun naman talaga ng pinaka pam-bato nya sa tao. Si Lara Morena, hayyyy Lara Morena! Hindi ko na maalala ang huling pelikulang ginawa nya bago ang “Fling” pero sigurado akong kalianman ay hindi na ako manonood ng pelikulang pinagtatampukan nya, kahit pa ang tanging papel nya dito ay isang extra. Hindi ko naman mawari kung paano siya binigyan ng isang role na isang sumikat na International Model na sosyalera at ingglisera. ‘Teh narinig mo na ba siya mag-english? Kung hindi pa, magpasalamat ka na lang dahil ako narinig ko siya at hindi lang ilong ko ang dumugo, pati mata, tenga, ari, balakang, kuko, buhok at kung anu-ano pang parte ng katawan. Masakit ‘teh. Napakasakit na maranasan ko sa buhay ang pakinggan siyang mag-english. Ang haba ng opening speech nya ‘teh --- producer kasi kaya ayun! Talk-a-thon si Ateh! At pagdating naman sa pag-arte, siguro ay may dating ang lola mo sa ibang pelikulang nagawa nya da dati (di ko din alam kasi di ko naman talaga siya pinapanood) pero sablay siya dito sa “Fling.” UTANG NA LOOB! Siya na ang bagong Reyna ng Jejemons! Siya na ‘teh! Siya na!

Mas natuwa pa ako sa pagarte ni Matet De Leon at Kathleen Hermosa dito. Kahit ang gumanap na magulang at kapatid ni Jacq ay masasabi kong OK. Hindi din katanggap-tanggap ang ibang alipores dito. Yung beckying kaibigan ni Jacq dito ay pilit na pilit magpatawa at umarte. Mas magaling pa ata ang mga kilala kong Stand-up Comedian o parlorista sa may amin. Pag napanood mo siya dudugo din ang lahat ng parte ng katawan mo sa inis.

Sumatutal, kung gusto mong magaksya ng pera’t panahon at gusto mo lang mayamot sa buhay, i-re-recommend ko ang pelikulang ito. Kung type mo din makita ang katawan lagi ni Rafael, ni Lara or ni Jacq pwede mo din itong pag tiyagaan. Asa sa iyo na yun! Basta ito, opinion ko lang!

BOW!

**Disclaimer: May freedom of speech ako 'teh kaya tabi-tabi po! Ang masaktan sana 'wag ako i-habla! LOL"***

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Cheating

There have been moments in one’s life that the one thing you don’t expect happens… and mind you it happens quick. For about two years and a half now I have searched, far and wide, high and low, in and out for the one perfect person that is worth giving up my single life for but alas I have never truly found it. I have looked at all the signs. There are the more subtle signs that can mislead you to believe that what you’re feeling can be real such as friendly SMS flirting and other signs that are more blatant such as whispering “I love you” during foreplay that can catch you off-guard and suddenly ruin the mood.

They say that life should be lived to the fullest. And that it’s too short and too sad to spend it alone. Yes, I have been alone for almost 3 years, sometimes lonely and often just okay. And during this time I have focused on my career, friends and family as most people living the single life would. But there comes a time when you start asking yourself, “What is this all for if not to share it with someone you really care about?” You begin to realize that life tends to be more meaningful when you really have someone to share everything with. You begin to look for answers, reasons for you to wake up every morning with a smile on your face… an inspiration to keep going. But then you suddenly find it, in the most unguarded moment of your life only to realize that you maybe ready but it’s not enough. Your expectations grow higher, your checklist grow longer and the hopes for your to find the right person begins to dwindle. You do not settle because you owe it to yourself to keep looking for your Prince Charming. Because every fiber in your body believes that that one person exists to change your life for the better.

And then one day, you wake up and you’re in a relationship. After the long search you finally settled. You settled because you thought that you are in love. You accepted the flaws and acted on impulse only to be betrayed by your faith. He cheats. Time and time again he hurts you but like the proverbial son you keep coming back. And while some people call it true love, I just call it stupidity. You keep on breaking up and get reeled back in just as fast because you believe you have the obligation to stay. You believe it’s your duty to be the “better” partner.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen it. Felt it. That feeling of ecstasy, of love and how grand it can be. But at one point in your life you ask yourself, “Is it all worth it?”

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going on and on about how love seemingly abandoned me. There just came a point in my life that I got so tired of all the dating, all the drama, all the waiting, and all the games. I haven’t given up on love. But sadly, I think that it has given up on me. In my 28 and a half years of existence, I have seen, or experienced, the kind of love so monumental that when I lost it I nearly died. And yet up until recently, I have been searching for a kind of love that will last. The kind that would give me reason to wake up every morning with a smile. The kind very few have. And unfortunately, the kind most people take for granted.

By nature, people are never satisfied. It’s human nature to always want more and it is this flaw that causes problems. A fatal flaw that ends a relationship you tired so hard to find and twice as hard to keep.

They say that good things come to those who wait. But what if it never does. Are you going to keep holding on that tiny glimmer of hope? Or will you give up and succumb to the reality that you may be destined to be alone. Will you be okay with it? Are you ready for that part of your life when it’s simply better to be single that to be in an unhealthy, complicated, often-hurtful relationship. Samantha (SATC) said, “Men cheat like dogs lick their balls, simply because they can.” In the gay community this holds especially true. Gay guys in relationship often cheats, not just because they are not satisfied with their partner anymore but simply because they can. It’s easier with social networking sites built for hooking-up and with bars practically giving the opportunity in a silver platter. And even in the slightest chance you find a perfect partner who will stay loyal for you, it won’t be forever. I’ve known gay couples that have been together for so many years that ended up being in an open-relationship after a few years because it can’t be helped. There’s a need. You can give all the excuses in the world to justify the fact you cheat. So I ask myself, after all that, “What’s the point?”

Perhaps, I have yet to find someone who can change my perception in relationships. To prove me wrong that gay guys can be faithful. After all, who wakes up each morning saying they don’t want to get swept off their feet.

All they need is the right broom.

***Thoughts inspired while listening to OliDex’s recommended song “A Love That Will Last” by Renee Olstead and a friend’s very complicated relationship.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Myth and Manipulation

“From Single to In a Relationship.” That’s how it read. It was declaration of your relationship status, a testament that your elusive heart has finally been captured. I searched frantically to find that one person who finally did it. And there it was, the picture that told me everything. It was that photograph in a restaurant in one of your night outs. There he was, a brand new person amidst the familiar faces. He was the one. And as clear as the words written in your change of status, it hit me. You could never really be mine. You could be the worlds’ but never mine. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, or how patient I can be or even how close we can get, it was just never enough. It was simply not meant to be.

Is being in a relationship really all that? After 2 years and almost 4 months of being in a relationship with my work, my photography, my laptop, family and friends, I begin to ask the question, “Should I settle?” It’s not as if I am single by choice but sadly it’s more because of circumstance. And so in the hopes of finally finding that one person to finally end my journey, I am declaring to the universe that I too am ready to be with someone!

I watched one of my favorite films of all time earlier, “The Mirror has Two Faces.” I must have seen that film a dozen times and yet I have never grown tired of it. More than Barbara Streisand, what struck me most about that movie was how it describes the longing of people to be in love. In one particular scene, Barbara, who played a middle-aged professor of literature at Columbia University discussed why people fall in love --- the myth and the manipulation of it all.

Why do people find it a need to be with someone, to be in love? Perhaps it’s true that what we see in movies, read in books, and even stories that have been told to us when we were young are all but a manipulation of what loves suppose to be. Why in the end we are not told what happens after the princess marries the prince? Why movies highlight the “falling in love” of characters to be overly extravagant with music swelling up to the moment when they first kiss. Why romantic novels describe fantastic love scenes and create illusions of grandeur when characters (people) fall in love.

It has been said that when we fall in love, we hear music, whether it be Puccini or angels singing, bells ringing, or chimes. Why? Because they say that music is the nearest description to the feeling of being in love. And while I haven’t heard the Philharmonic in my head on a first date for a long, long time. I still believe that this is true. I want to. I have to. If only to assure myself that I shall hear it again --- that I shall feel it again.

When I look around me and see couples, I can’t help but feel envious. I am jealous that they are together not because of the sweet nothings they say to each other (though I want that), nor the fact that they look into each other’s eyes with such longing (though I also want that), or even the fact that they have fantastic sex. I am jealous because they have found someone in their lives who truly knows who they are, who accepts each and every flaw. Who cares for you in a way no one else can. Someone who knows what kind of toothpaste you use and what kind of food you like. Someone you can share your life with. People fall in love because while, some of us already know, that it can have a very short shell-life, and it can lead into an indescribable pain. People fall in love because while it can only last for a moment, an hour, a minute, or even one night --- while it lasts it feels f*cking great!

In my search for that one person who in an instant turn my life around, I have stumbled across so many frogs I was willing to kiss. And of all those near misses, I’ve only realized one thing. I will never settle for someone less. So whether true love exists, whether it is a myth or a manipulation, I want to find it…


…Again.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Lovemonth-Schlervmonth!

There are moments in your life that leaves you wondering if it all makes sense and you pray that while you go through the routine of the day, it will all finally unravel to tell you that while something’s should be thrown to trash, there are some that deserves keeping.

I have not written anything in a pretty long time. There were lots of attempts but I never got to share my thoughts in writing to my very little fan base. And so let me try and include the few of those unpublished works.

There was one inspired by the “Ugly Truth” on which I called it the “Uglier Truth” about gays and how complicated dating in the gay world is compared to the heterosexual scene. Why? Because while we all go through the same problems in dating, gays have it worse… at least for gay men. There’s the physical aspect where gay men are attracted more to the big chests, bulging biceps, toned abs, and yet still need to incorporate the personality based aspect of having the charm, wit, thoughtfulness, sweetness, often found in women. Not to mention the complications of men (almost all men) being very, very sexually active ---Promiscuous I dare say to a certain extent. There are very few, if not any who can be very monogamous. And while we all dream of Prince Charming to be very charming indeed, having such personality coupled with disturbingly good looks can only lead to heartache for most gay men especially for those who refuse to take in the concept of an “open relationship.” And so, I ask myself, when I comes to dating for gay men, is it really worth it or is sex just simply a more outright solution to those cold, lonely nights when you have no one to cuddle with but your pillow?

A few months back I dated a couple of guys that finds merit in being included on this blog entry. And while I am a bit afraid that they will read this and curse me for life, I still want to be able to share why I’ve been single for more than 2 years. But I’ll be kind – or at least I will try to be.
He was a great guy. He was tall, Chinese-mestizo, a gym-goer and an educator. But while the fact remains that he seems to be an obvious catch, there’s something about him that just didn’t click. He was “dreamless.” I was looking for someone whom I could share a certain passion with and even if it was not the same as mine, I want a guy who’d be equally as passionate on the things that he wanted to do. He was over 30 and sadly he still did not know what to do with his life. He lacked the drive to dream and the balls to pursue whatever it is he wanted to do in his life. I may be a tad bi judgmental here but this is my opinion of him, my impression – a very bad one at that.

A month of dating and I wanted to understand and maybe even help in deciphering what went on his head. I wanted to persuade him to do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Problem is, I don’t think he even had a clue himself. He ended it in manner bordering cruelty. He phoned me saying that he just saw his ex and they spoke and that he realized that he still had feelings for him. He even asked us to be friends and, I said, “What’s the point?”

Second guy turned out better than the first. He was cute, witty, funny, and responsible. He was too responsible --- for many things. In short, he wasn’t ready for what I had to offer. I shall not go into details, as I am sure that if he ever read this, he might end up hating me. I realized last night it was simply not worth it. I told myself this has to end. Bad thing about it is that I haven’t exactly told him yet. I’m a coward that way. I refuse to say it into his face. I just don’t call anymore nor text as often. I think eventually he’ll get it. I don’t think he’s that dense anyway.

And so my search continues to eventually find that one person to disrupt my life. I wait for that knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a distant land. If only life was a fairytale where it all ends in happy endings. But often life is cruel. It plays with your heart and tests its tolerance for pain and its capacity to heal.

There are moments in your life when that one person you thought could change your life for the better turns out to be the villain in the teleserye of your life. You simply have to learn that not all first dates can lead to a second one. Not all wonderful night-outs can eventually lead to cuddling for breakfast. Not all perfect conversations can lead to talk about the future. You have to accept the fact that sometimes he’s simply not that into you --- or you to him.

And then you move on if only to someday find someone really worth keeping.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo